6 Words To Never Say To Your Child - What These Words indeed Mean
If I had a dollar for every time I heard these words -- "I wasn't good in math either" -- I could have retired long ago. Over the course of thirty-three years of teaching and tutoring there were many parent-teacher conferences, meetings with parents after description cards were distributed, and many tutor interviews. And one thing that seemed to be consistent was this need on the part of the parents to tell me that they, too, had struggled with math. But the statement "I wasn't good in math either" all the time made me cringe. I don't think that parents surely understand what they are saying to their child with these words.
6 Words To Never Say To Your Child - What These Words indeed Mean
On the elementary level, most of a school's parents attend Open House and Parent-Teacher Conferences because they are excited and deeply complex in their child's learning. That is wonderful. I wish that was equally true on the high school level. Admittedly, attendance at Open House at the starting of the school year is high and parents are enthusiastic. But it generally doesn't take too long for that enthusiasm to wane. On the high school level, the majority of the parents wanting to speak to their child's math teacher while Parent-Teacher Conferences have children who are struggling in their math class. After every grading duration ends and description cards come out, the phone calls and emails begin from worried parents. Likewise, the parents who seek out hidden math tutors are doing so because their child needs additional math help.
Being worried about lack of insight and low grades and then contacting the teacher is surely the literal, first response. It is imperative that medicinal measures be taken as soon as possible. Unfortunately, in virtually every consulation those 6 terrible words get spoken--in front of their child--without the parents ever insight just how counterproductive this statement is to their child's improvement. So why do parents say it?
I truly believe that every parent wants what is best for their child. They are trying to be supportive and helpful. They are trying to alleviate depression or low self-esteem in their child. They wouldn't be meeting with the teacher or seeking extra help if this were not the case. I believe that they are trying to reassure their child that all will be Ok. They are trying to take on the accountability for the low grade. They are trying to say "You aren't dumb. I'm the one who is dumb."
But the statement "I wasn't good in math either" which is commonly followed by "He gets it from me" and/or "He comes by it naturally" surely has many negative implications. When the parent says "I wasn't good at math either," the child hears "My child is bad at math" and that often gets magnified in his mind to "My child is dumb at math because we were." The child also gets the idea that there is no hope since mom and dad did poorly.
The true implication, and by far the worst, of these 6 words is the unstated but implied permission to fail. Every time a parent says "I wasn't good in math either, the child feels no need to try to heighten because mom/dad didn't improve. Your child hears "When you fail we will understand because we weren't good at math either." I don't believe for one second that any parent intends to give their child permission to fail; but teens are especially good at putting meaning into our words that we never intend.
How do we fix this? First, be honest with your child if there was a definite think why you had difficulty with math. My mom was a "preacher's kid" and as such changed schools frequently. In one of those moves, she was forced to take Geometry without having had Algebra. She told me often about her struggles with math, but the think was confident and it wasn't because she was dumb. Sometimes difficulties are due to illness. Many times parents who had difficulty with math didn't do the things that might have made a difference, like go in for extra help or get a tutor. Be honest with your child.
If I had my way, that sentence would be stricken from our language. But in the meantime, all the time show your child that you Know he/she is smart adequate to learn whatever with the right help. Children who are smart adequate to learn to walk and talk and read are smart adequate to learn anything. Remind them of that fact. They don't remember how difficult those tasks were or how persistent they were. Become your child's partner in studying and success. Remove failure as an option. If those 6 words should happen to fall out of your mouth, bite your tongue, and then swiftly follow with "but I know you are smarter than I was and there is help available that I didn't have." And then hire a tutor.
No comments:
Post a Comment