The Speech You Will Never Hear
The oath to be taken by the President upon first entering the top office in the land is specified in narrative Ii, Section 1, of the Constitution: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States." Many Presidents have added the words, "So help me, God."
The Speech You Will Never Hear
My fellow Americans, as I stand before you ready to assume the constitutional duties you have so dearly entrusted with me, I want to begin by telling you that as soon as this ceremony is unblemished and I arrive at the Oval Office, I will be issuing the following menagerial orders. Because the Senate as of now has not confirmed my cabinet appointees, I will be acting on their profit and would expect that these orders will be followed to the letter:
First, I am ordering the department of Homeland security to seal all the borders of the United States. No one in and no one out without the proper visa or permission from the department of State. In addition, I am ordering the Immigration custom enforcement (Ice) department of the department of Homeland security to immediately round up those persons who have entered this country illegally, who cannot prove that they are employed and have been in the U.S. For at least seven years, to be deported immediately. Presidents Hoover and Eisenhower did it when they were in office, and we can do it now. The illegal immigrants who are overcrowding our nation's prisons will be released and returned to their country of origin. In line with that, I will be issuing an order to the Treasury department to immediately hold all funds that are due and payable to "Sanctuary Cities." Upon proof that these cities are cooperating with Ice, the payments will be restored.
Second, I am ordering the department of energy to immediately open up the Anwr oil fields and build offshore drilling platforms in the Gulf Coast off the shores of Florida. We will begin removing from the ground and undersea what rightfully belongs to the American people, our oil. In line with that, I am ordering the immediate building of three refineries. As soon as that is started, I am definite the price of gasoline at the pumps will come down to .50 within one-year. We will not sell any oil to any nation until all our needs are obtained first.
I am instituting ten-cents per gallon tax, no more, no less, to be deposited into the public security Fund. The fund will now revert back to the pre 1964 principle that it will remain an untouchable trust fund and used for its originally established purpose, public security and Medicare and nothing else.
I am also ordering the immediate building of 20 nuclear power plants to sacrifice our cost of energy and avow a cleaner environment. In our perennially sunlit states on both sides of the country, local utility fellowships will build and avow solar panel facilities to furnish electricity to run all critical infrastructure equipment. This will comprise street lights, traffic lights and government properties such as municipal structure and public schools. In New England, we will erect Wind Thermal Generators surface the shipping lanes off Martha's Vineyard to also run the states infrastructure. [Sorry Ted]
Third, terrorism is a worldwide problem. Nowhere on the face of the earth has it awakened a nation and emboldened anything more than Americans over the past eight years. I am ordering the Cia to reinstitute "Water Boarding" where they deem it critical to safe the citizens of this great nation. We still bob for apples do we not?
Fourth, I am ordering the new Congress to cease all financial bailouts of corporate America. The corporations got themselves into their messes they will get themselves out. The same rules will apply to the sub-prime borrowers. How slow-witted do you borrowers want us to believe you are? No one forced you to sign those mortgages, stop crying and grow up. Americans will start to take accountability for their own actions. "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
Fifth, the department of Health, Education, and Welfare will see to it that the word "Tenure" is removed from academia. The only population in America who have tenure are Federal and consummate Court Judges and teachers. We can take off doctors' licenses for malpractice, disbar attorneys who bring shame to the legal profession and jail corporate executives who commit fraud. However, the teachers who may have been responsible for teaching them their evil ways are exempt from removal.
Students in high schools will be required to work summer internships. They will begin to learn for the first time in their lives how geometry relates to building a roof for a house or designing a landscaping project. That is why Asian students are better educated than American high school graduates. We must bring back that contentious edge.
More importantly, "Political Correctness" will be removed from our schools. If you excel, you will receive a pat on the back. Equality is socialism. It does not belong in America. Natural law of cause and supervene that effort determines the results will be taught again. Honor rolls will be reinstated.
Foreign change students who study in the U.S. Are not allowed to work in the U.S. If they return to their home countries and use what they learned to build up their nations, they may later come back, if they want to, and come to be productive in America. The savings in wasted foreign aid will be enormous. Third-world nations must learn to stand on their own two feet. We will help them while a natural disaster, but not with free handouts.
Sixth, underground university endowments will be taxed. Harvard University's endowment alone is valued at .9 billion. Historically earning 23% a year, the interest alone is sufficient to purchase health insurance for 800,000 families. Yale has billion and Columbia almost billion. I am ordering the Internal revenue assistance to discover and audit all the underground university endowments immediately.
Seventh, the words "entitlements" and "earmarks" and actions relating to them, will be removed from every congressional agenda. The only entitlement you deserve, if you are healthy and living in this great nation, is to have the right and quality to [lawfully] do and be anything you want to be. Earmarks should be the impressions you leave on your pillows at night.
Eighth and lastly, the words "Under God" will be rewritten onto every item they have been removed from, never to be removed again. The Ten Commandments will be placed in front of any court in America that wants to erect them. They are still inscribed over the entry to the U.S. consummate Court. They belong there. These Ten Commandments are the foundation of all laws in America and the free world.
My fellow Americans, you probably have noticed that I did not mention the economy. I did not have to. If all I just told you falls into place, we will not have to worry about the economy; it will fix itself. I also did not mention taxes under my plan. When the economy corrects itself, we should be able to sacrifice them even more.
In conclusion, before I retire to the Oval Office to implement my programs, if you disagree with my mandates, you are free to peacefully dissent or even stand in line with the illegal aliens who are being deported. The Constitution gives you that right. I am sure we can find room on the bus for you.
You asked for change, and here it is.
God Bless America.
Authors note: If any of the current candidates want to be in the position to give this speech on January 20, 2009, they had better start speaking about these ideas now and they had better mean what they say. Americans are getting wiser every day.
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